On Making It

Tonight I was getting dinner on the table and Max and Tommy were sitting in their chairs making silly faces. Max had his tongue out and was making Tommy laugh. His eyes sparkled with genuine delight. He was happy and full of light and spreading it to those around him. And I had to pause for a moment and relish in my realization.

We were making it.

Maybe that seems like a silly thing to realize, but things with Max haven't always been easy.

You see, Max is extremely passionate. When he feels things he feels them deeply. It's great when he's happy and playful, but when he would get angry, or sad (which turned quickly into anger), he was a force to be reckoned with. For two years now we've dealt with, fought, talked through, cried about, and hugged out, the hitting, punching, pushing, pinching, screaming, absolute meltdowns.

Last year he sent a cousin to the Emergency Room for stitches. He was tired, he got angry, there was no adult supervision, and he just happened to be carrying a golf club.

It could have been a lot worse.

After that came the guilt and the worry. We were told there was something wrong with him. We were asked not to leave him. I watched people online say they would never let their kids play with a child like mine. Some insinuated behavior like this was indicative of domestic violence.

It was isolating. I couldn't take him to the park and talk with the moms. I had to monitor every move, every possible trigger.

It was exhausting. Day after day I would draw suns and butterflies and flowers on his hands and remind him to have gentle hands.

It was humbling. I crashed to my lowest when it would drive me to yell and scream or to smack his hand back. In one episode he began kicking the door at our in-laws so hard I thought he would break it. I was so embarrassed I threw the door open to tell him to stop, and in my anger not realizing exactly where he was standing, the doorknob hit him right in the eye.

I was a terrible, terrible mother. I felt hopeless and helpless.

But I could also see this amazingly giving, thoughtful, kind and loving little boy. He has this goodness within him that is unparalleled by his other siblings. His lows are so low but his highs are so incredibly high.

But I felt nobody would be able to see that beyond the violence and the anger.

I tried everything. Gentle parenting, time outs, consequences, positive attention, empathy. They all worked and didn't work, or required me to always be on my game and sometimes I just wasn't. In the last year we've moved twice, been denied a home loan two days before closing, dealt with the grief of losing Steve. I wasn't always on my game. I didn't always give him the best of me.

But somehow...he's getting better. I'm not saying we're out of the woods yet. We still have an occasional problem. But they are fewer and farther between and usually brought on by extreme situations where everything is thrown off, hunger, exhaustion, etc. I've found if I can guard against those things, we do much better.

In the last two years I've found a recipe for mostly success.

1. Rhythm and routine.
2. Plenty of sleep.
3. Whole foods.
4. Very limited screen time.
5. Hours of outside play every day.

But I don't feel like I can credit all those things with the change. I think a lot of it is just growing up and maturing. And so today, when I had that realization that we were on the downhill slope. That things were getting better, easier, that he wasn't this angry little boy anymore, it felt like breathing fresh, mountain air after a long time in the city.

I know I'm not the only Mama who has a passionate, energetic, and sometimes aggressive little boy. I know the pain and the worry. And all I can say is Mama, don't give up. It will get better. He will grow up. Keep setting him up for success. It will not always be like this. That child has the qualities of a great leader. And right now you may be the only person who sees the goodness deep within him. Hold the image of him in your heart. It. Will. Save. Him.

He will be okay. You will be okay.

Breathe.

I Hired a Mother's Helper

I don't know why we have this idea that stay-at-home moms should have it all together. I guess because their mothering is their "career" we have impossible expectations of them? I don't know, but working mothers feel the pull too. Keep a perfect house, spend lots of time with your kids, serve in your community, have a hobby, cook only whole/clean/delicious/from-scratch food. Exercise every day and look fantastic.

Is this sounding unattainable to anyone else?

Well, I'm here to bust that image of perfection. You can't do it. Not all of it. But gosh we try, but something always slips. For me it was housework. And I was okay with that because it was clean enough, but I'd always get to a point, usually at the end of the week where I just couldn't stand it anymore and then cue the irritability, stress, and few hours of cleaning while grumbling about the kids messing everything up immediately.

Well, no more. I can't do everything, but I didn't want to give up something. Not my writing, not my work in the community, not homeschooling, not reading my books, or crafting, or playing games, or going on walks, or just sitting down on the couch sometimes and relaxing! I also didn't want to live in a dirty house.

A few months ago my mom came to visit and (lovingly) suggested that I should think about bringing in some help. She saw everything I did during the day and to her everlasting credit never suggested that I quit the stupid writing, or think about putting the kids in public school, or anything like that, even though there have been plenty of times I've worried that's what everyone thinks. But I'm blessed with very supportive family members, which is a wonderful thing to have.

It was a little hard to do at first. It kind of felt like admitting defeat. I'm a stay-at-home mom, I gave up working to be able to do all this. Did it make me a failure? Yeah, no. Forget you, society and your impossible expectations and darn you my passionate heart that loves to dabble and learn and read and play.

So a month ago I spoke with one of the girls at church choir practice about coming in a few times a week to help me and she said...YES!

It's been four weeks now. One of those weeks she was sick and couldn't come. But here's what we set up and why I love it.

She calls me on Sunday to let me know her work schedule and we agree on times she can come. It's usually about three hours a week, spread out over two or three days. I pay $10/hour. It's more than minimum wage and what she makes at her other job. I also throw in an extra five dollars a week to compensate her gas money, she doesn't live too far from us, but still.

Now the part you're probably wondering, what do I have her do?

All the things I just never seem to get to. These have included sanding and painting my kitchen table and chairs (I started it but never got around to finishing), scrubbing out car seats, helping clean out the car, scraping the gunk from off the table and chairs where Tom sits, and sweeping and mopping.

She also is just an extra pair of hands on days when I need them. When Tommy is extra clingy and hanging on my legs, I can sit down and just hold him while she takes care of whatever I'd been trying to do. She watches the kids in the front yard when I'm working on dinner. She's another person to read to.

And then sometimes she babysits for me.

Why I love it and have talked to her about doing it long term:

1. My floors are clean. CLEAN!
2. I don't have to mop!
3. It's allowed me to relax a bit more. I know I can take that extra thirty minutes to enjoy a book because she's coming in the afternoon.
4. It also gets me to work more. When she's here I can't just sit around and do nothing. That's awkward. So usually, it forces me to clean for a whole hour in the afternoons. That makes a big difference.
5. More dates! After months of not going out at all, Rob and I have gone on two dates this month because she came over and we were able to just take off. It was great!
6. I can leave on a date and ask her to clean something while I'm gone and SHE DOES!
7. It's someone to talk to and I think we both have things to offer. She gets paid and experience doing things that while not glamorous are important for living life. I get a cleaner home with less stress, projects finished, and extra time with Rob.

I have other ideas of things I'd like to use her for if I can ever stop needing her to clean my floors. One thing I've considered is leaving her with two of the kids while I take one of them out for some one-on-one time. Teaching her how to make breadsticks so I can count on having that help for dinner and not have to push it back an hour on nights I want bread sticks. Deep cleaning. Those hand prints on the walls? Dirty base boards? Window tracks? All those spring cleaning things;

All in all, the extra $140/month is well worth it. If you can carve out the space in your budget for help even just once a week, I highly recommend it. It's okay to ask for help. You don't have to be perfect. I'd say it's far more important to get in that extra hour of reading or painting or writing or playing.

A time to imagine...

Kids ask tons of questions. And at some point, they're ready for the real scientific answers. But as parents, we need to be discerning of when that is. Sometimes, they just need room to imagine. There's a certain beauty in leaving a question unanswered. In wondering along with your child. We live in a world where all the answers are at our fingertips, but imagination and creativity are dying.

http://www.hdwallpapers.efreez.com/wallpapers/rainbow-child-1440x900.jpg

As we were driving yesterday, Jane saw a rainbow and asked me, "What does a rainbow feel like?"

What a beautiful question. Do you remember wondering that as a child? Maybe you still do. I know I still sometimes imagine walking up to the edge of a rainbow and sliding my hand across it. What would it feel like?

It was definitely not the time for science. Where is the wonder of saying, "Nothing. A rainbow is nothing more than an optical illusion caused by water and light. Even if you could touch a rainbow, it would feel like nothing. Like air. Possibly damp air."

Yuck.

So instead we dreamed. And Rob, bless his wonderful soul, went right along with us.

As for me, I think a rainbow feels like soft silk.

Rob thinks it feels like a fluffy blanket.

Jane thinks it feels like flowers.

As we drove, the rainbow came more into view. Wouldn't you know it? One end was definitely touching down in the park by our house. Of course, it disappeared as we got closer. But we had fun imagining how we could catch up to it. Those rainbows. They're wonderful, beautiful things.

One day, there will be a time for science and answers. But yesterday? Yesterday was a day for dreaming.

When You See Me

When you see me with my kids and their clothes are on backwards with shoes on the wrong feet, I hope you think She's fostering independence.

When you see me and my kitchen table is gouged and stained with the paint of a thousand art projects, I hope you think She's encouraging creativity.

When you see me in the grocery store struggling with crying children while I make my way down every aisle, I hope you think She's modeling real life.

When you see me and my house, with toys scattered across the floor and paper and crayon decorations where tasteful interior decorating should be, I hope you think She's allowing imagination to blossom.

When you see me at the library and my kids are running away from me, fighting over putting books in the book drop, and screaming in delight, I hope you think, She's building literacy.

When you see me on an airplane, and all three of my kids are pushing buttons, ripping magazines, or crying, I hope you think She's maintaining important family connections.

When you see me disciplining one of my children, I hope you think She's teaching accountability, even if you disagree with my methods.

When you see me in yoga pants, again, I hope you think, She knows her needs.

When you see me at the park, reading a book instead of following my children around the play equipment, I hope you think, She'll pass on a love of literature.

When you see me without makeup, I hope you think, She's showing her daughter how to be comfortable in her own skin, instead of hinting that I look tired.

When you see me out and about, possibly looking harried or bedraggled, kids hanging off my legs and arms, I hope you think, She's doing her best.

When you see me, I hope you actually see ME.

We're Homeschooling...and it's not a reflection on you

We've decided to home school our children until it no longer works for us. The reactions I've received to this decision have been varying and enlightening. They are very similar to the reactions I got when I decided to go for a natural birth with Max. Some people were encouraging. Others told me to be careful and not plan too heavily on it. After all it might not work out. Others felt like my choice required them to give their reasons for not having a natural birth. Some expressed their desires to do the same followed by some sort of derogatory comment about themselves being wimps.




When people find out I'm home schooling, some of them say it's a great choice. Others warn me about not being able to get anything else done, stressing myself out, and needing a housekeeper. Still more give me reasons why homeschooling isn't good. Sadly, a few make comments equivalent to, "I can't/don't want to do that. Does that make me a bad mom?"

Ladies, STOP IT!

Someone else's choice for their family is in no way a reflection on you and how you are doing as a parent. A lot of thought and prayer went into this decision, including my children's personalities, their talents, my talents, my vision and desires for education, mine and Rob's education and passions, Rob's work schedule, etc.

The opportunities that I feel open up to my family with the decision to home school leaves me feeling energized and animated. I can't wait to get started! I have big ideas and plans! Rob is with me every step of the way and gets in on the teaching and experimenting.

Not everyone feels this way. And that's okay!

We've got to stop judging ourselves by the mom down the street.

I've seen so many people just rip into home schooling blogs. Their comments drip of bitterness. At first I wondered why. Then I read a few blogs from home schoolers, and now I would like to clear the air.

I am not homeschooling to protect my children from the outside world. Actually, I hope to put my children in contact with our community MORE than they would get in the public school system.



I am not homeschooling my children for religious reasons. I don't consider the public school system evil or think it is trying to create a nation of atheists. Occasionally, a few teachers might have that on their radar, but not very many of them.

I am not homeschooling because I had a poor experience in the public school system. I want to be clear on this. I had so many fantastic teachers growing up. This choice is in no way a reflection on any of them. There are so many good teachers in our schools. The problems with our education system have almost nothing to do with the quality of our teachers.

I do not think that anyone who sends their kids to public school is lazy or doing their child a disservice.

I am not homeschooling to create super geniuses. If that happens, awesome. But my goal is more to create a learning environment that allows my children to learn at their own pace (whether slower or faster), linger over subjects they find truly fascinating, and understand that learning is a lifelong, joyful process.

I do think there are problems with our school system. I don't have time to get into all of them in one post. Suffice it to say, a top-down, test-heavy, standardized approach is not the right one for our beautiful, sensitive, diverse, and naturally creative children.

I will probably write here about our home school. Why I do it and love it. The advantages. Whatever. But please don't ever take that as me judging or thinking less of you.

I'm homeschooling. You probably are not.

As long as both of our children are getting an education, I'd say we're both pretty good moms.

**If you're interested in the situations and ideas that led to this decision, and my vision for education, let me know. I'd be more than happy to write about it.**

Something Magical

Jane took this picture today. I didn't know she was taking it. I guess she just had my phone and started snapping away. I was in the middle of changing Tommy and decided to give his sweet face a kiss. Talk about perfect timing.

We live in a day of photoshopping and cropping. In social media we do the same to our lives, putting forth the image that we want other's to see.

But out of all the beautiful and digitally edited photos I've had with my babies, I think this one's my favorite.

My clothes aren't anything special. There's a pile of laundry on the couch, a half-eaten apple on the ground. Some discarded toys, a dirty diaper, wet clothes and socks. And yet in the middle of all of that...something magical. And wonderful.

We may complain about the hard days. The never ending messes. The long to-do list. But this is what it's all about. This picture right here.

For the joy of it

When was the last time you did something just for the joy of it?

This is a question I've thought about a lot lately. I just put the finishing touches on the last chapter of my novel. That makes three intense rounds of revision. And I still have to go back and overhaul the beginning. Again. It's hundreds of hours of work. My chances of getting published are slim to none. But I keep working.

Which has led me to ponder, is it worth it?

If my story never leaves the confines of my computer, is it worth all the effort and love I've put into it?

We live in a world where, for some reason, something is only considered worthwhile if it will make money, or bring you fame. If you can be successful at it. And to be successful means other people need to think you're good at it too.

And if other people don't like it, if your work doesn't measure up with what's out there, we have bought into this notion that we must not be "good" at it and stop trying.

My daughter is an artist. She sits at my table and draws, paints, colors, and cuts for hours on end. If she goes a day without doing some form of art, she will often complain at bedtime. "Oh, I didn't do any art today!" It's an important part of her day. She feels she is missing something without it.

I've read a few things about children who are gifted at art. I discovered two different patterns. Some children are just naturally gifted to create art. They seem to be able to see and translate their vision on paper much easier than their peers. And then there is the second group of gifted children. Those who LOVE art and do it extensively. Their technique doesn't start off any better than their peers, but through hours of practice they eventually get better and better and pass up those around them in technique.

Thus, most people who are "good" at art, aren't that way because they are born with a drawing ability, but because they are born with a passion.

Every Child Is An Artist by AndreLuizBarbosa on deviantART

We are all born with a passion. Maybe not born. My passions have definitely changed throughout the years. This is normal and good. But we are all born with a drive to create. To make something out of nothing, to bring order to chaos, and beauty to life.

Each of us has something that when we do it, we feel renewed, energized, alive. But many of us have left that passion. Perhaps you were told you weren't good at it, either by yourself or someone else. Maybe you stopped when you were told "You can't make a living doing that." Maybe you didn't continue when you saw everyone who was better at it than you and figured, "What's the point?"

But why do we have to make money or "win" or be "successful" with something in order to enjoy it and pursue it? Why don't we allow ourselves to do things for the pure joy of doing them?

In our society of technology, instant gratification, longer work hours, intrusive entertainment, less quiet time, and more demands, many of use go days, weeks, months, years, without making "art." And we are losing ourselves and sacrificing a rich, inner life because of it.

Art comes in so many shapes and forms. I'm not going to list them here, but think back to when you were a child, or a teenager, or some
time when you LOVED something but stopped for some reason. I challenge you to pick it back up and do it again.

Yes, you might be terrible at it. But are you having fun? Does it bring you joy? That is the true measure of your success.

We've all heard the quote from Picasso, "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."

Go back and find that artist inside you. Don't let another day go by without doing your art. Dance, sing, draw, write, garden, cook, build, film, act. There are opportunities all around you. And if there aren't, make them!

I may never publish a novel. But I will still write them. With each revision pass I improve. Every day my imagination broadens. My hands are busy, my heart is alive. And so yes, every word has been worth it. I have created something I am proud of. Something I love. Even if nobody else does.

I am an artist.

You are an artist.

I promise.

I have a confession to make...

I think I'm a pretty good mom.

Shocking. I know.

Perfect mother's are like perfect pictures. They usually require a lot of photoshopping.

Am I perfect? No. You can ask my mom and husband about the breakdown I had in Early November because I felt like all I did was yell at Max. Or ask me how I feel about my housekeeping skills on Sunday evening when my house has finally descended into complete chaos after the weekend.

But most of the time, I think I'm doing a good job.

I don't think any of us will lose the "mommy guilt" entirely, but we can do away with a lot, if not most of it. And we'll all be better mothers for it in the end.

So here are the things I've learned to help me feel better about myself as a mother.


1. Get enough sleep.  I know I'm not the only one who gets more and more pessimistic the more tired I get. I think it's a pretty common human trait. And motherhood is filled with nighttime feedings, bad dreams to comfort, late-night projects, and just plain ol' worrying.
 
      I have a great husband who knows this about me. When I start getting down on myself, one of the first things he says is, "I think you need to go to bed." More often than not, he's right and that's exactly what I need.

      So....feeling bad about yourself? What time is it? Do you need to go to bed? Did you get enough sleep last night? Maybe you should take a power nap or go to sleep early tonight. Enlist your spouse's help tonight. But get your rest! In my experience, this solves about 75% of my "mom guilt" related break downs.


2. Decide what kind of mom you are/want to be.  There are lots of different kinds of mom's out there. They're all over the neighborhood, your congregation, and the blogosphere. You know them. There's "Crafty Mom," and "Organic Mom," and "Clean and Organized House Mom." Fun Mom, Gardening Mom, Interior Decorating Mom, Eco-Friendly Mom, Soccer Mom, Classroom Mom, Reading Mom, Sugar-free Mom, From Scratch Mom, and the list goes on and on.

    Guess what? You can't be all of these mom's. You can't. I'm sorry. You just can't. It's impossible. But you can be some of them.

   And now here's the fun part. You get to choose what kind of mom you want to be!

  Now here's the hard part. You have to choose on your own terms, for your own very private, individual reasons, based on your own values. You are not allowed to choose in order to impress anyone or compete with anyone. This will only lead to more guilt.

   To do this, you will need to sit down and think about your family vision. What do you want to spend your time doing? What do you think is important in this life? What makes you feel really good about yourself?

   I'm not "perfectly clean home mom." I never will be. When I look at my list of priorities, a clean house isn't up there. I'm more, "twenty-minutes-to-a-decently-tidy-house Mom. And that's okay, I know that about myself and I'm not going to pull out my hair trying to keep a perfectly clean house. Some people love a clean house and are great at that. More power to them. If that's you, go for it! If that's not you, quit trying to impress "clean-and-tidy-house mom down the street." Let's be honest, she probably doesn't care if you leave the mopping for tomorrow...or next week.

    Here's the other secret to deciding what kind of mom you are. Some of these mom's don't work well together. You can't be Full-time-job Mom, Clean and Organized Mom, Classroom Mom, Soccer Mom, and Everything from Scratch Mom. At least...not without going crazy, or sacrificing something important...like time with your kids.

    You can only pick a few. Look at your values, your vision. Choose wisely.

Which leads me to number 3.

3. Be flexible.  Being crafty mom isn't working out for you? Being Soccer Mom leaves you so exhausted that you end up yelling until everyone's in bed? Being Clean house mom winds up with you at the end of the day not being able to remember a single thing you did with the kids?

   Time to reevaluate and change it up. It's okay. We're all learning and growing in this motherhood thing and sometimes life throws you a curveball. Did you just have a baby? Maybe you need to take a break from being everything-from-scratch mom. Moving across the country this summer? Gardening Mommy has to be packed up too.

    Repeat after me: IT'S OKAY!

4.  Make your goals dependent on YOU! If you look at my list of moms, you'll notice I didn't include "Perfectly-mannered-children Mom," or "Super-smart-kids Mom." You want to be this mom? Let me also introduce you to, "Screaming-yelling Mom," and "Pushing-nagging Mom."

    This isn't to say that we shouldn't try and raise our kids to be educated and well-mannered. But you can not base your self-worth on your children's actions. Or your husband's actions. Or anyone else's reactions. All you've done is handed over the power to control how you feel about yourself to someone else. Someone who has their own free-will. Somebody that, try as you might, you can't control. That's where the screaming and nagging come in.

     Don't do that to yourself. The only way you will feel good as this kind of mother is if you also happen to be "Dumb-luck Mom."

5. Give yourself grace.  As a Mormon, this was a bit of a weird term for me when I started seeing other bloggers use it. I believe in grace, but I don't think we talk about it enough in our church, and I think many of us misunderstand it.

   God gives us grace by forgiving us when mess up. Grace makes up for our many shortcomings. It helps us carry our load. There was an article by Brad Wilcox on Grace in the Ensign a while back. One of my favorite quotes from it is hanging on my fridge.

"Grace is not the absence of God's high expectations. Grace is the presence of God's power."

If we are giving ourselves grace, we are not letting ourselves out of any expectations and eating oreos on the couch all day. But at the end of the day we are saying, "I worked hard today. I made some mistakes. But that's okay. I'll try again. And every day I'll get a little better."

If we are giving ourselves grace we are allowing God a place in our life and letting Him help us along the way. The whole way. Not just at the end or when things get hard. We realize we are not perfect, but He is. And He will make up the difference. 

Are you expecting perfection instead of Grace?

6. Get off the computer. Get down on the floor with your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Tell them you love them. Play with them. Laugh with them. Look into their eyes and see that little being with so much life and potential.

If at the end day, you can say you have done this, even if it is only this, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I'm willing to bet it was a pretty good day.

Good night, mom guilt.

I can't be Supermom. I just had a baby.

So before Mr. T made his way into the world two and a half weeks ago, I was rockin' and rolling with this whole motherhood gig. I did very involved home-preschool lessons, hadn't used my dryer in over a month (thank you clothesline), only served my kids processed food at lunch time (2 out of 3 ain't bad), and I'd just had a picture book accepted for publication. Yup, I was doing good.

Oh, and I had big plans for after the baby came. Not only was I going to continue preschool and line drying, and cutting out processed food. But I was also going to use cloth diapers and wipes, and keep writing, and stop yelling, and not let Max play i-phone games anymore, and keep the litterbox clean.

Then I actually had Tommy. And in the past couple days I've remembered what its like to have a high-needs baby. Sweet Tommy needs to be held just right, rocked just right, sleep just right. And for some reason only Rob knows how to do it just right. He can't be put down, he doesn't like his sling. He's currently going hoarse for crying, or maybe from mucus. I don't really know. He switches from being starving to having a tummyache.

On top of that, Max is in severe need of some one-on-one positive attention, a couple hours at the park and a ban from the Kindle.

So, of course, I let Max play the kindle/Iphone for 3 hours today, didn't go to the park, and let him fall asleep watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Thanks to my super-nesting energy pre-Tommy, I have a month's worth of meals in the freezer, but I just bought pre-packaged oatmeal and next week we'll probably make our way to cold, sugary cereal.

My dryer is working hard again. But I am line drying my cloth diapers.

Preschool is okay, but not as in-depth as usual.

Tommy is in cloth diapers...during the day.

And I'm tired.

And frustrated.

I just want Tommy to be happy, and Max to listen, and Jane to stop whining, and my house to be spotless.

Oh, and I have a blanket to finish crocheting by the end of the month.

*SIGH*

This is when I breathe, sit down, rock the baby, and tell myself tomorrow is another day.

And Max will not be scarred for life by some time on the Kindle.

And more processed food won't kill us.

And the dryer won't destroy the planet or our budget.

The blanket might just be extra short for the blessing.

And I can't do everything.

And that's okay.

This quote came to me the other day. It's one of my favorites and good for me to remember right now.

"River's know this. There is no hurry. We shall get there someday."

Utilizing Expansion and Contraction in my Day

I recently read a book that was basically the introduction to how to do preschool at home with your little ones. Of course, there are probably a lot of these kind of books, but this one had a bit of a Waldorf spin on it, which I love. In the book, there was a section on expansion and contraction throughout our daily routine. At first, it seemed like a bit of weirdness to me, especially with the way the explained it. (And named it. Seriously? When they start asking, "Is your child too expanded? Too contracted? I start wanting to roll my eyes.)

However, when I actually put the idea and practice into place, it makes a big difference!

I've always been big on having a routine with my kids. Not like a down-to-the-minute-this-is-what-we-do sort of routine. But I like, and my kids like, knowing what comes next. I think its an important foundation for little ones (and for adults) and without it we end up feeling frazzled, spread thin, stressed, and disorganized. And it's just hard to have fun when you feel crazy.

So here's the idea behind being aware of expansion and contraction throughout your day.

Expansion is basically relaxation and entertainment. A child's free play falls under this category, as does playing outside.

Contraction is focus and productivity. It's completing a specific task. Think reading stories, doing chores, circle time/preschool, arts and crafts, etc.

Now a good day happens when we balance the two, and children need to go back and forth between the two more frequently than adults. As mothers we naturally do this sometimes. Like when your child just can't handle another second of playing with friends and you know its time to go home. Or when they won't sit through one more story and you know its time for them to go play.

I've tried to keep this idea of flowing back and forth between expansion and contraction in mind as I go through my day with my kids. Max has a tendency to need to go back and forth between the two rather quickly and frequently. When I make sure to vary his day and his activities between the two polarities, he is so much better. We don't get to the point where he is teasing Jane just for fun. But we also don't get to the point where he is throwing crayons across the room. I just try and keep an eye out for when it is time to switch gears.

I didn't know if trying this approach to viewing my day and planning our activities was working until Max's birthday when we took the day of from preschool. The morning was a disaster. I thought it would be fun to just let the kids play all day, but after a while they just ended up fighting non-stop or whining about what we were going to do next.

For some of you awesome moms out there, this idea will be nothing new. But for me, it was a little bit of an "Aha moment" so I thought I'd share!

This Mother's Prayer

Dear Lord, help me remember when he's up at day's first light,
That soon I'll do the waking, and he'll put up the fight.


And when I come upon him in the middle of a mess,
Please help me, Lord, remember how he makes me feel so blessed.


Oh Father, help me stop to see the light that's in his eyes,
When he tracks mud, or colors walls, before he hears my sighs.

And when he breaks another keepsake, ornament, or vase,
Please help me, Lord, to first clean up the tears upon his face.

Lord, help me to be patient with each kick, hit, or bite,
And know the way to gently teach him how to do what's right.

And on those days that seem to hold frustration more than joy.
Dear Lord, help me remember, that he's just a little boy.


-Amanda Hill

Baby-Weight Blues: 7 Steps for How to Avoid Them

Guess what I found out today from reading the tabloid covers at the store?  Jessica Simpson has had a baby girl.  But more importantly, she has a plan to lose the baby weight!  Well, HALLE-freakin'-LUJAH!  I was afraid she was going to focus on less important things like what a baby needs in the fourth trimester, or proper nutrition and sleep habits(for both herself and the baby).

NAH!  I'm sure in 6 weeks I will get to read the next headline about how JESSICA LOST THE WEIGHT IN ONLY 3 WEEKS!

Sometimes, the media gives us a very false sense of what is normal (and an even worse idea of what is healthy).  So ladies, let's just remember that for most folks, you should expect at least 6 months to lose the weight, probably longer.  And sometimes, you never can quite get rid of every pound.  I still haven't lost all the weight from my first, and I've given up caring about it too much.  This is my body, and you know what?  It grew and gave birth to two beautiful babies!  So if I carry around a few extra "trophies" from that experience, then so be it.

But now is when you get to learn from my mistakes.  Here are my rules for not feeling bad about your non-celebrity weight loss/body.

1 - Don't even think about exercising those first 6 weeks.  You are allowed to go for walks.  That is it.  Your body needs to recover, and you need to sleep and get to know your baby.  Those are your jobs(not to mention everything else a mom has to do anyway).

2 - Don't even think about putting on your pre-pregnancy clothes 'just to see if they will fit' for at least 2-3 months, but if you are like me...closer to 4-6.  Yes, you are a lot smaller than when you were pregnant, but this will only crush your soul.

3 - Control top pantyhose with your dress clothes is a self-image-saver.

4 - Skirts are your friends, dresses(except for Maxi dresses) are not.  Just trust me on this.  5 months after giving birth, I felt good and really wanted to buy a new dress.  I ended up near tears in the dressing room.

5 - Get a new (yet small if money is tight) wardrobe.  You don't want to go back to maternity clothes, but you can't wear your pre-pregnancy clothes, and you can only sit in sweats and pj's for so long before feeling yucky.

6 - In that new wardrobe, trade out your low-cut jeans for a higher waistline.  You just gave birth.  Your hips have widened, and those low cut jeans will never quite fit the same way again.

7 - Look in the mirror, and love yourself.  You are a mom, and as long as you put some effort into looking nice (do your hair, dress nicely) your kids wil still think you are beautiful.  You should think that too!

Miss J Getting Married

Ever since Miss J found some pictures of mine and Rob's wedding day in a folding frame, she has always wanted to hear "the story".  Lately, she loves to talk about getting married in the temple and "wearing a pretty, white dress."  This last week we were able to visit the temple where Rob and I got married.  When I told Miss J the plan she was very excited and kept asking if she could wear a pretty, white dress.  I wish I had a pretty white dress for her to wear, but I didn't.

When we got to the temple, we were able to see a few brides in their pretty white dresses.  Miss J kept talking about wearing one of those dresses.  I told her that she could wear a pretty white dress when she was big like mommy.  Near the end of our visit, Miss J turned to me and confidently said "I get married tomorrow."

I'm sure when the day comes, that is exactly how it will feel.

Keeping Score

We live in a world of competition.  We grew up in it, and many of us thrive on the system of requirements, approval, and promotion.  However, in motherhood, there are no quarterly reviews, no promotions, no pay raises, no awards, and very little recognition.

I remember as a new mom feeling lost because I had no way to "score" myself.  How would I know I was doing a good job without a grade?  Things that used to take doing for granted, suddenly became a challenge and a chore.  Let alone, somehow going above and beyond like I was so used to doing.  All the milestones seemed so far away.  And the problem with grading yourself by the milestones and how fast they are reached is three-fold.

First, as mother you can train, and encourage, and discipline, but you can't control.  That sweet little baby has a personality and a mind of its own, and will not always turn out just as you want, despite all your hard work.  That is a risk we all take as mothers.

The second risk is that "grading" yourself by milestones only encourages you to hurry your children down the path of growing up, and there is always a bittersweetness to those first steps into toddlerhood and out of being a baby.

The third risk is one I have faced personally, and why I had to change my mindset.  Sometimes our children come to us with a learning struggle or disability.  Both of my children have had to see a speech pathologist.  One for a mild processing issue, and the other for delayed language development.  I felt that because both of my children were behind and needed help meant that I had failed as a mother.  I must have been doing something wrong.  I must not have been talking to them or stimulating them enough.  It took a lot of pep talks from my sweet husband and mother to get past those feelings, and they still sometimes creep in as guilt.  Don't make my mistake!

There are numerous ways that we grade ourselves as mothers.  Most of them end up leaving us feeling more like failures than successes.  Clean house. HA!  Good behavior.  Tried that.  Looking perfect.  Always someone who looks better.  Nicer stuff.  Have fun with that debt load.

Do you notice the problem with all these ways of grading yourself? It all requires a comparison to someone else!  Milestones, behavior, cleanliness, it doesn't allow your family to be who they are, only how you think they should be based on someone else's performance (and even then, only what you see of it).

But we are still left with the problem of feeling like we are moving forward in a profession filled with very similar days and seemingly, at the time, slow development and growth.  How can you tackle your need to "make the grade"?

I can tell you, that has been one of my biggest challenges as a mother, to let go of that competitive drive as a mother, or even at need to have results in order to feel productive.  No matter how hard I work, there will always be more laundry, more cooking, more discipline, more tears, etc.  I have had to take joy in the more simple ways of measuring my efforts.

As a new mom, I took to writing down every single thing I did that day, no matter how small(showered, got dressed, did dishes, made dinner, tummy time,etc), just so I could see that I was really doing something.  Nowadays, I give myself a high-five for staying on my grocery budget, being able to count on one hand the number of processed foods in my cart, learning a new recipe, turning out a good loaf of bread, a decluttered space, a giggle, a hug, a game played, a song sung.

It isn't easy to change our way of looking at "results".  But these little "grades" are a much easier and positive way to look at things.  Perhaps one day I won't feel the need to give myself a score at all.

Have you had difficulty needing to grade or compare yourself?  How did you overcome it?  How do you keep a positive "score" for yourself?

Not everything is worth worrying about...is it?

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by everything you are supposed to worry about as a mother?

 Kids are obese
Society tells girls they are too fat
Society tells boys they are stupid
Protect your kids from predators, but make sure you encourage independence!
Too much TV
Bad things in your food
Go organic!
Go green!
No spanking!
No time outs!
Your kids are behaving badly, where is your discipline?
School shootings
Are your kids reading enough?
Do they do enough art/creativity projects?
Encourage imagination
Video games
Internet
Clean the house
Don't use harsh chemicals
 Autism
Lead Poisoning
College
Sports and activities

Oh, and DON'T FORGET TO SIMPLIFY!!!!

 Ugh, I'm sure I could think of more, but that seems plenty don't you think? How do you boil down your mothering strategy to address as many of these areas as possible? Or better yet, how do you decide what to worry about and what to toss?

I think ultimately, we just need to stop looking at everything as all or nothing.  Implement small changes if you think it is important, and continue if you like it.  I think we also need to trust ourselves a little more.  You will know what to do and say if you try to be in tune with your kids and leave the doors of communication open.  To me, this means, slow down, try to find, and spend, unstructured time together as a family.

 I put the simplify worry last, because as women, we even get to worrying about simplifying and if we are doing it right, or enough.  But this is just silly.  Simplifying your life will make a difference in your stress level. Take a look at your family's schedule and how it lines up with your priorities.  Are there things you can cut out?  How about a new approach to dinner or housecleaning to alleviate certain stressors?  There will always be things to worry about, but lets see how many birds/worries we can kill with one stone.  Think of it as simplifying your stress.

Here's my example, in the parentheses I put the birds killed by my mentioned stone.


 I focus on turning off the TV, going outside and letting my children freely choose their play without getting in their way, as much as possible(this tackles obesity, play, imagination, and I also believe some of societies messages to our children).
I have tried to cut out processed food as much as possible without going overboard(obesity, going green, etc).
We do one scheduled activity(it takes place 2Xweekly) It is swimming lessons, so it is fun but also a needed safety precaution. I considered dance, or gymnastics, but right now swimming is more important in my eyes for it's safety aspects(safety, obesity, activities).

 I was also given the tools to tackle a lot of my mommy insecurity(Am I playing with the kids enough? Oh no, my house is a mess!) by implementing certain aspects of Waldorf mothering into my day.

As one example,I always invite the children to join me in my housework or baking by providing extra cloths, spray bottles, pots, pans, and spoons. Sometimes they join in, sometimes they keep playing, but they always have the option for more mom time if they want it. Plus, I no longer look at my cooking and cleaning as things to get out of the way, but as an important opportunity to model for my children things they can use in their imaginative play and ultimately learn later in life(imagination, independence, cleaners/chemicals, simplifying).  Just this change in attitude has done wonders for my worry.
( For more information on ideas for moms from Waldorf concepts check out joyfultoddlers.com.)


 So once again, how do you pick and choose, and ultimately let go of your mommy worries?  What are your strategies for simplifying your stress?

When things don't turn out the way you planned

My life has recently been changing...a lot. The job we moved across the country for, hasn't exactly panned out the way we hoped. All the reasons we moved out here for haven't come to fruition, and in addition to that, we bought a house here. Thankfully, as we look to make a change, everything has seemed to fall into place. It can be easy to look back on our last year as a mistake. We aren't really any closer to our career and financial goals now than we were at graduation last year. Sometimes, when I try to come up for an explanation of why we truly felt like we should take this job and move out here, I think that maybe it was just a good job to take while we waited for a better job. However, I don't think time in your life should ever be just a waiting game or holding period. Otherwise we would always just be waiting for the next thing instead of enjoying the moment. But how else can you look at some of these disappointing times? For me, personally, this last year has brought many important lessons in spite of, or sometimes because of, our supposed "mistake". In the last year I have learned - how to be a mother very much on my own with very little social interaction - I have really grown into my role as a mother - I have learned how to cook more with real food and encourage outdoor and imaginative play in my children. - I have seen a beautiful part of the country My husband has learned numerous things about the business he wants to run that he wouldn't have otherwise. He also was able to rethink his strategy toward his career goals and take this new job, that we wouldn't have taken without the experience we had here to help us realize its value. As a family, we have learned - how to work hard to serve in our church - how to live so far from family - how to be each other's best friends - how to get our children the help they need for their speech/processing delays It is a lot easier to look at our last year in this light, instead of as simply a holding period, or worse, a mistake. I know we aren't the only people who haven't had things turn out as planned. Thankfully it has led to something better. How do you view your less-than-desirable situations to make them better?

The Circle of Life

This week we checked out "Heckedy Peg" by Don and Audrey Wood from the library.  It was my favorite book as a child.  I remember my mother reading it to me.  I remember sitting at studying the pictures.  I remember feeling scared, and then happy.  I loved it.

Jane loves it too.  I thought it might be too "grown up" of a book for her.  But she wants me to read it over and over.  She wants me to describe the beautiful pictures.  She listens intently to probably the longest book we've ever read together.  And then asks for it again and again.  And I happily oblige.  How could I not?  I understand the magic of the book?

It is interesting to find myself in this position.  To do something my mother did.  To find myself on the other side of this magical mother/child relationship.  I finally understand those words I so hated to hear, "I'm doing this because I love you".  In many ways I am my mother, and Jane is her mother's daughter.  In moments like this I can almost glimpse the future, as well as the past.  A picture of Jane reading to her own children, a memory of reading with my own mother.

This circle of mother having a child who becomes a mother and has a child has been ongoing since the beginning of time, and now I get to be a part of it.  When I think about it I feel honored, awe-struck, and nearly overwhelmed with responsibility.  What will Jane learn from me to carry into her part of the circle?  What we do as mother's truly has lasting effect, for our children, and their children.

What a beautiful job I have.

Mothering With a Heart of Peace

We all want to be the best mothers possible.  We worry about how our words and actions affect the small, developing minds and bodies of our children.  Our children are much more in tune with our emotions (no matter how much we try to hide them) than we give them credit for.  They might not understand the circumstances but a child can tell when mom is upset. 

I wanted to write today about mothering with a heart of peace. 

I'm sure we've all had experience with days where we were mothering with anything BUT a heart of peace.  Worries, anger, unkind thoughts and feelings, anxiety and guilt can all take up valuable space in our minds and even decrease the number of productive minutes in our day. 

I remember when Rob was looking for a job at the end of dental school.  The anxiety of the job search had me on the computer all the time, looking for jobs, researching cities and towns, looking at homes and so forth.  I don't remember many specifics about that time except for THE SEARCH, but I'm sure my mothering suffered.  How could it not?  I was no longer living in the present, and that is what a peaceful heart allows you to do.

We are at our best as mothers when we try to be fully alive in the present with an eye of hope towards the future.  Many things can try to destroy our peace; family struggles, the news, co-dependency, past hurts or offenses, and especially worries that we our not doing a good enough job as mothers.

Family Struggles/Changes - Sometimes these can be financial, job-related, or marital.  It can be hard to try and maintain a peaceful heart during these times.  How do you banish these constant worries and thoughts from your mind?  As much as possible try and talk about these issues with your spouse in private.  During the day, instead of stewing with worry and calling every five minutes to discuss a new idea or worry, write your thoughts down and try to leave that worry on the paper until you can discuss it further.  Focus on what you CAN do to help alleviate a situation instead of feeling helpless about all the things that are out of your control. 

Take some deep breaths, and pray, pray, pray.  Then start making a list of all of your blessings and pray again in gratitude.

The news - It is a rare occasion when there is good news on.  Bad news sells, and it can make one start to feel like the whole world is falling apart.  It makes us forget how much good there is in the world.  Sometimes I just have to turn the news off.  I don't want to parent with anger in my heart because of some politician.  If I think about it too much, I find myself weighed down to despair over how much pain and heartache is in the world. 

If you struggle with these issues, I once again echo some of the same advice.  Focus on what you CAN do, and then leave your unpeaceful feelings with that.  Can you send money to a relief organization?  Maybe you can organize a donation drive.  Write a letter to said politician.  Or if you can do none of these things to help the situation, simply hug your family close and thank the Lord for the time you get to spend with them. 

Maybe you can contain your news reading/watching time to after the kids are in bed so as to keep a peaceful heart during the day.

Codependency - Codependency is depending on other people's opinions of you to determine your own sense of self worth and acting for the approval of others.  It never brings peace, no matter how good of a show you put on.  You have to decide what is best for you and your family.  It may not be what other people do, and that is ok.  We are all different, with different beliefs and priorities.  Stop comparing yourself to what some anonymous poster says on the internet or what some thoughtless person has said about you.  You know your situation.  A few years ago I wrote a statement down to help me get centered when I realized that I was letting other people's thoughts weigh too heavily on my mind. 

It went something to the effect of "I know what I am doing is good.  I will not let the thoughts and opinions of people who do not even know me to affect my feelings about myself or my mothering.  I know why I made the decisions I did, and can not live my life for others."  Do you need to write down your own centering statement? 

Past hurts and offenses - It is hard to truly be in the present when you are harboring anger or guilt over the past.  Some things can be very hurtful, and somethings may require counseling.  But one of the best things you can do is work to rid these feelings from your heart.  Maybe you need to call someone and apologize.  Maybe you need to forgive someone who will never apologize.  I promise that the Lord can help you forgive if you pray sincerely.  We may need to forgive someone over and over, but the struggle to forgive feels far better than the gnawing in your heart of anger.  Just think of the burden that will be released.

Mommy Guilt - As mothers, we are often too hard on ourselves.  Sometimes though, we feel bad because we know we could do better.  If you are feeling bad about your mothering get off the blogs, get off facebook and pinterest, and spend some good face time with the real, flesh and blood people in your life.  If there is something specific in your mothering, read some books on that subject.  Wise use of time and a sincere effort to always learn and improve will leave us with a feeling of peace about our motherhood.

Sometimes just having children in our house makes us feel like our home is anything but peaceful.  However, your heart still can be.  For the little things that come up every day, turn on some peaceful music, go on a walk, take some deep breaths, smile, pray and be grateful.  Carve out some peaceful time for yourself everyday, perhaps in the morning before everyone else is awake.  You can use this time to pray, read, meditate, plan out your day, watch the sunrise, or dream about the future. 

I hope we will all do what it takes to mother with a heart of peace.

One of those days

It was just one of those days.

You know the kind.

You wake up, feeling good.  Today is going to be a good day.  Then the baby wakes up.  Earlier than normal, but that's ok.  You figure he will play while you finish getting ready.  And then the screaming starts. 

You delay it for a bit with some trains, but it comes back up the stairs.  The screaming.

Halfway through breakfast.  More Screaming.

Then he gets his sister to start Screaming while they're playing.

Thank goodness for The Wiggles.  However now you have than nagging guilt that your kids are watching too much TV and you have to weigh the options of having your children's brains rot for an hour or have The Screaming come back.  Today, brains rotting is by far the better choice.

It is now officially 9:00 am.  Congratulations.  It's going to be one heck of a day.

You get home from swim lessons and as soon as you walk in the door; It begins again.  The SCREAMING.  Up until this point you had done ok.  But now your teeth are grinding together and you are closing cupboard doors rather forcefully to keep from yelling.  MORE. WIGGLES. NOW.

Finally naptime.  Then the park.  Beautiful, wonderful children. How could I ever have lost my temper with you? 

Except for then you come home and both children decide to make up for lost time, and the dog's in on it now too.  Before dinner, through dinner, after dinner.  Your life has devolved into
SCREAMING
SCREAMING
SCREAMING!!!!!

Until finally, you actually do lose it.  And you SCREAM back.

Then the guilt sets in.  And it doesn't matter that you played with your kids for an hour that morning, or that they played outside for another hour that afternoon.  It doesn't matter that you made three good meals that day and cleaned up afterwards.  It doesn't matter that you read stories and played kissy monster.

Because you lost your temper, and either your children are the spawn of the devil or you are the worst mother in the world.  And as you look at how beautiful they are sleeping you know it can't be the first option.

So breathe.  Take a walk.  Read a book.  Draw up a bath. 

Because you are not the worst mother in the world.  We have all been there.  We will all be there again. 

Tomorrow is another day. 

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."
---Mary Pickford

Treating Motherhood as a Profession in 2012

The name of this blog is Motherhood: My Full Time Job.  I have been thinking lately about what it means to treat motherhood as a profession and have made it a goal to do so in 2012.

What does it mean to make motherhood your profession?  As I pondered this question, I realized that it was a lot more than just staying at home with your kids all day. 

When you have a career you wake up and report to work at a specific time.  You adhere to a dress code.  You become an expert in your field.  You have goals and expectations.  You are always looking for ways to improve.  You record your work and progress.  You prioritize, schedule, and make a plan of attack.  And last, but not least, you take a break from work!

You can probably see where I am going with this.  We can do all these things in our careers as mothers; most likely with the effect of feeling more satisfied and accomplished at the end of the day.  I don't have all of these down, but I am working on them and the few that I have fully implemented have made a huge difference!

Wake up and report to work at the same time every day.

Set your alarm clock for the same time every day; approximately 30 minutes before your kids wake up.  If you have children in school, you probably already do this.  If you have young children, I have found this makes a huge difference!  I use this time to shower without interruption, get dressed, start breakfast and read my scriptures.  You can choose how you want to use this extra time.  It will be hard at first, but I promise the organization that results is well worth it!  Along with this goal I would recommend having all your kids ready by a certain time every day.

Adhere to a dress code.
We always laugh at the commercials where the mom is vacuuming while wearing high heels and pearls, but how good do you feel when you put on a string of pearls, or a pretty dress?  Now I'm not saying to only wear dresses or professional wear, but feel good about the way you look.  Put on attractive clothing, do your haid and makeup.  It really makes a difference in just feeling like you've got it together.  Already do this?  Add that string of pearls! ;)

Becom an expert in your field.
Some people like parenting books, some people don't.  I personally love them, but I think you have to find the kind of books that fit your style.  Do you have a parenting style?  Do you know what it is?  If you don't have a set idea of the way you want to parent, I challenge you to browse around Amazon for a few different parenting books that look interesting and then read them!  I am a mix of attachment parenting, waldorf early childhood learning,  and a firm belief that in a lot of things, less is more!  My current favorite parenting book is "You Are Your Child's First Teacher" by Rahima Baldwin Dancy.  I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
 A word of caution.  It took me a few years to be able to do this, but when you read a parenting book it is imperative that you learn to keep an open mind while at the same time sift through the information and be ok with agreeing with some of it and discarding what doesn't sit right with you.
Already feel like an expert in your parenting style?  Find books about other aspects of your parenting as they come up; Early childhood education, learning styles and disabilities, child health,etc.

Have goals and expectations.
We have all though about it, but now lets write it down.  Think about the kind of adults you want to raise.  I'm not talking specifics like profession, but generals like happy attitude, grateful, helpful, good citizens, hard workers, life-long learners, etc.  Keep this big picture in mind when you do the next exercise.  Think about some short term goals for your actions as a mother that you hope will help your children achieve the big picture.  These goals may help you model this desired behavior, or maybe you will engage in these behaviors as a family, etc.  You can set it in a time frame of a year, a month, a week.  The important thing is to write it down, hang it where you will look at it often and evaluate frequently.  You may change your mind about a certain goal, or you may realize that you have accomplished it.  Don't expect perfection, just progress!

Always look for ways to improve.
Of course as a mother there are no pay raises, quarterly evaluations, performance reports or promotions; but you can still always be looking for ways to improve your mothering.  Develop a new skill, hone a talent, try something new, take a challenge!  You have to decide how to do this.  I personally like to try a new recipe every week.  This year I am trying to increase the number of things I make from scratch, as well as grow a garden and lern how to preserve my harvest.  Perhaps you want to improve your efforts at being eco-friendly, a better budgeter, a historian, gardener or whatever you want.

Record your work and progress.

Kids grow up so fast, don't let the memories fly away with the time!  Take pictures, write in your journal.  I can tell you after only a few years of parenting and looking back on pictures and blog posts, you forget so much!

Prioritize, Schedule, and make a plan of attack.

I don't think children should have a packed schedule.  They need plenty of time for free play and family time.  Prioritize all the demands on your family's time and determine what is truly important and get rid of the rest.  Set a flexible schedule with breakfast, lunch, and dinner at certain times.  Choose a certain day to do your grocery shopping, go to the library, etc.  What time of day will you read books?  I suggest setting up a schedule more along the lines of a sequence of events with a few specific times rather than trying schedule everything down to the minute!

One thing I have started doing that makes a big difference is sitting down every night after the kids go to bed and making a plan of attack for the next day.  I look at my calendar to check for appointments, I write down things I may need to get from the store.  I plan my menu for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.  Then I think of things I want to do the next day.  I always try to plan at least 2 games or activities to do with the kids (they can be as short as 30 seconds or as long as an hour).  I also try to plan an activity for the kids to do on their own that I can pull out when I need a few minutes to get something done.  I personally put down time frames for everything, but rarely follow my schedule to the letter.  It just reminds me of what I want to have done by the end of the day.

Take a break!

Unlike other jobs, being a mom is not a 9-5 job, but you can still take a break!  For starters put your kids to bed at a regular, early time, every day so that you can count on some time every evening without the kids.  I would also find an activity to participate in outside the house, without the kids.  One that will give you a much needed break but not have you always away from your husband in the evenings (spending time with him is important too!).  I have found this respite in book clubs, service clubs, and currently in a community orchestra!

Well there you go.  Take a look at this list.  What do you already do?  What do you want to start doing, or do better?