Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Absurdity of Grief

It will be a year in May since Steve died.

But I don't think May 2nd will be the hardest day. This weekend will.

It's Stake Conference and Steve was in the stake presidency, and even just thinking about it is making me angry.

It doesn't make any sense. I don't really expect our local church to come to a standstill for a year. I don't really expect his calling to just be left vacant until I deem it okay to be filled.

And yet...

And yet when they called someone else to his position it felt like they were trying to replace him. I wanted to raise my hand. You can't replace Steve! Doesn't everyone feel how wrong this is?

The new member of the presidency gave me my temple recommend interview this year. I sat in the chair and couldn't stop thinking, You're supposed to be Steve. I don't want to talk to you, I want to talk to Steve. How dare you talk to me.

And tomorrow I will walk into that meeting and everyone will be listening and I'll just want to yell, DON'T YOU FEEL IT? DON'T YOU FEEL HIM MISSING? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ALL JUST PRETENDING THIS IS OKAY AND NORMAL! HOW ARE YOU JUST MOVING ON? HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN?

But I won't, because I know the deepest wounds lie inside those I love and even myself, though it's taken me this long to acknowledge just how much I've been affected.

It's absurd to expect everything to change for everyone else. But I still do.

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